I remember watching Beyonce's "Drunk In Love" and seeing the way she looked at JayZ with stars in her eyes. I promised myself that day I would never love anyone again like that. Not commenting on their actual relationship but just what the video portrayed. I think what I was telling myself was that I never wanted to be consumed and lost in someone else wanting me. I was tired of being drunk in love, dangerously in love, catering 2 other people I just wanted peace which felt more sustainable than that passion. I think what I wanted was to be genuinely drunk in love with myself so no matter what relationship came or went I wouldn't fall apart. I wouldn't abandon me. I wouldn't neglect, Rashida. My love wouldn't change because of someone else deciding that they no longer wanted to hold me as their point of focus.
Saturday night in between parties I sat around with a group of dope ass black women, laughing, talking loud, feeling ourselves, shit talking and just having an amazing night. I thought to myself man it's been so long since I felt this happy. I need more of this joy in my life. Another day I was leading class dancing with a group of beautiful souls and I realized that I didn't feel as free when I wasn't in my sanctuary of class. I knew that something needed to change. These moments and others became my measuring stick. The split came and I was somewhat prepared because we both knew it was ending.
So here I am newly single and all my friends have spoken life into me to use this as a period for unfathomable growth. The last time I had a breakup of the level was in 2013. I laid on my mother's floor crying and feeling very sorry for myself for six months.
This time I'm not going to sit around and die like I've done in the past. I don't know what any of it means. I am not always in my evolved energy (so please don't think I have it all together)I am just a survivor. I've been a wolf. I've raged, wailed, screamed and saged (finally!). I've been silly looking backwards asking for answers that aren't there. I've cussed them out and said some hurtful stuff because again I don't always have it together. No one does. . I don't want to retell the why of it all. It Doesn't matter anymore And now it's time to Shift and not waste anymore of my life force energy. AND I don't have the lessons yet and I don't honestly care about figuring them out today and maybe not for some months.
I've always tried to extract lessons immediately dragging myself through more pain. I'm so young but I feel like my body is 100+ sometimesbecause I've let every blow mutilate me. Not this time. I realized that this is my reclaiming my sexy moment. So it's time to choose more:
I want to have fun. I want to not feel owned or locked Down. I want to be the opposite of loyal. I want to be WILD. I want to HOE with consent, safety and intention. I want genuine hott passionate fuck-me-in-the- back-of-this-uber connections that are just magnetic. I don't want to heal my partners sexual inhibitions. I don't want to be a coach in bed too. I want these connections to be ready.. I want to demand that I dismiss anyone who remotely disrespects my body. I want to live in front of my favorite beach. Get tatted. Plan this solo retreat to Brazil. I want me so bad after all these years and heartbreaks with these beautiful women who I've had the opportunity to love. Now I just want me and my wants and my desires and my joy and boundaries for awhile.
(Taken during my epic adventure last night at Beauty Bar - BTW please stop waiting on someone to take photobooth pictures)
I thought my work would suffer because so much of seduction is taught in relationship to another person but this transition has reminded me that this is about the seduction of life and joy and surrendering to the process of pleasure not allowing myself to dwell in the pain.
There is so much to look forward to especially within this community. I am creating even more spaces for us to jam AND our Puerto Rico retreat is happening in November and almost sold out! . The next Reclaiming Your Sexy Series is on the way and so much more.
I hope this helps one of you who might be struggling. WE are going to pull through stronger and more vibrant than ever before.
"Trouble don't last always bitch....you betta get out there and enjoy your life before it's too late"
A little prayer for us all:
May these times ahead be so filled with joy that they erase the residue of pain. May I allow myself to pour all this love back into me so I can reinvent and rebirth in a way that is edifying to my soul. May forgiveness come easier with each day. May adventure be my road map.
And so it is.